Irreverent wits

wit

THE best bit of unintentional spiritual humor I have heard is the last act of Empedocles, the fifth century Greek philosopher.
He so desired to be thought of as a god, he threw himself into the crater of Mt Etna so he might vanish from the world completely and thus lead men to believe he had achieved immortality.
Unfortunately, the volcano defeated this wish by throwing out one of his sandals.

Another last act story concerns the French Jesuit Dominique Bouhours, who was a strict grammarian – to the end.
On his deathbed, in 1702, his last words were: “I am about to – or I am going to – die. Either expression is correct.”

The best wit is unexpected, even by the one who delivers it.
William Lawrence, a respected American bishop, once came on a man swearing profusely as he tried to remove a flat tyre from the rim.
“Have you tried prayer my good man,” suggested the bishop.
The man immediately fell to his knees, clasped his hands together and lifted his eyes to Heaven.
He then picked up the tyre lever, inserted it and the tyre popped off.
“Well I’ll be Goddamned,” exclaimed the bishop.

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4 thoughts on “Irreverent wits

  1. And Caesar from Dawn of the Planet of the Apes got to read both the Bible and the “Origin of Species”.

    He is now confused. He doesn’t know whether he is his brother’s keeper or his keeper’s brother.

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  2. Supposedly True Items In Church Bulletins

    Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.

    Thursday night — Potluck Supper…Prayer and medication to follow.

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

    For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

    Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

    This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

    The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

    The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

    The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

    Ushers will eat latecomers.

    The third verses of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

    The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.

    A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

    Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing service will be discontinued until further notice.

    The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

    Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

    Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

    8 new choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

    The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!”

    If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

    Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

    If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

    We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

    Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford”

    Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

    Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

    The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary’s Cathedral.

    Fifth Sinday is Lent.

    Thank you dead friends.

    Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

    Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

    For the word of God is quick and powerful…piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

    Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

    The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working…

    Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

    We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    Tonight’s Bible Study Subject: “HELL”. A warm welcome awaits you.

    O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation.

    After today’s service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor.

    Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.

    Volunteer needed to work in the nursery. Sheets need to be cleaned and dried each wee.

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    • heck Strewth,
      You had me in fits there. one old old one I recall that wasnt there was this one.
      ‘You will find the preacher for next Sunday hung on the noticeboard outside.’

      Bit like the old shop advertisement. ‘Dont go elsewhere to be robbed. Come in here.’

      Rian.(apologies, but wont be in Exercising today. am just getting over the worst of a severe but thankfully brief Cold.)

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  3. One night at the dinner table, the Mula Nasruddin’s wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of kebab and gave me the larger ones. Now you take the larger ones and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore.”

    “Nonsense, darling,” replied Mula Nasruddin, “you just cook better now.”

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