The tale of two cows

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows, give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Give them to the government. The government gives you milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. Give the milk to the government.

PURE FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

NAZISM: The government shoots you, takes the cows and feeds one to the army and the other to the police.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull OR you slaughter the cows & compete with McDonalds.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CONSERVATISM: Milk the cows, enbalm the cows, freeze the milk, nuke the cows to keep from spreading the disease. Phase out over five years the amount of milk you’re required to give to the government.

LIBERALISM: Give the milk back to the cows. Let them escape. Put the cows on the Voter Registration list.

LIBERTARIANISM: Milk the cows and keep it for yourself; hope the populace can find milk elsewhere.

MILITIAISM: Start shooting if they come for your cows.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


6 thoughts on “The tale of two cows

  1. ANARCHY happened during the Asian crisis in 1997.

    In the morning a person would go to buy rice. In the afternoon the same rice on the shelf would suddenly increase in value and some now could not afford it. People would accuse the shop keeper of profiteering on the misery of others and burn their shop down.


    • I used that as a copout for making a withdrawal with a shotgun. Dom
      Never burnt a bank down though; that appears to be a standard moslem proclivity in quite a few circumstances.

      The Injuns and Pakkis, of course, prefer the practice of burning down the shopkeeper.
      ….aaah, the wondrous variety of human expressionism!
      Almost makes a case for believing in ID. 🙂


    • ps. You do realise that all this is just another method of operating the age-old (well…..Moses-old) institution of taxation, don’t you?


  2. Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them.

    British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

    Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.


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